tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central August 31, 2011 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT
i will. good. now get out of here. let me-- i just want to check out a few things before i get going. uh-huh. mm-hmm. are you ok? i'm scared. come here. come here. come here. you're ok. you'll be just fine. not to worry. ♪ i used to live alone before i knew you ♪ ♪ i've seen your flag on the marble lot ♪ ♪ and love is not a victory march ♪ ♪ it's a cold and it's a broken ♪ ♪ hallelujah ♪ hallelujah ♪ hallelujah
♪ hallelujah ♪ hallelujah ♪ hallelujah ♪ hallelujah [monitor beeps] [sustained beep] i just wanted you to know that she went very peacefully. i know you did everything you could for my son. i can't tell you how glad i am he had a friend here with him. don't second guess yourself. you made the right call. you did. i know. j.d.: so, they say that one out of every 3 patients admitted to this place will die here.
but some days, the odds are worse than that. all: i'm really sorry. and on days like that, i guess the best you can hope for is that you took something from it. ♪ hallelujah hey, i'm turk. j.d.: anything... b.p.'s 120 over 80. i like that diastolic. let's keep it that way. j.d.: anything at all. ♪ hallelujah even if it's just taking the time to lie in the grass and think about all the things you still have left to do. ♪ hallelujah >> august 2, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song laying] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central
>> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. great show tonight. jason bateman is here. i'm not sure what movie he is promoting because as far as i'm concerned he is in all of them. [laughter] and in all of our hearts. big day today. the senate passed and president obama signed a measure to raise the debt ceiling and cut trillions in federal spending. the republic lives to fight another day. the economic woes are not over. it's bad owl there. our bad is it if you were involved in a comedic response? [laughter] i'll show you. >> vice president joe biden has another job, landlord. [laughter] >> jon: that's not so odd. i would have guessed greeter at some type of riverboat casino or bartender at a haunted hotel. but these are difficult times. everybody is trying to make extra coin. not like it's coming out of our
pockets. >> records show biden charges rent to the secret service agents who protect him in his family. the government shelling out $2200 a month to rent a cottage next to biden's mansion in delaware. >> stephen: first of all -- >> jon: first of all, $2200 a month to live in a cottage in his backyard until delaware. how come he is a good negotiator rent. how do you collect rent from the guys you depend upon to save your life. guys, it's august 1, where is the rent? sorry i left my checkbook in my other bullet proof vest. ask me tomorrow when i'm jogging alongside your car to protect you. i don't care how clogged your sink is, nobody needs to see this. [laughter] see what they mean by separation of powers.
[laughter] moving on for a moment from our debt crisis. in recent weeks we've been talking about great britain's news of the world scanneddal. the sordid tale of a tabloid newspaper whose news gathering methodology consisted hacking into voice mails, the police paid off to allow them to do so and the politicians who curried their favor. and if you ever do go to england tried the curried favor, -- -- [laughter] if you recall parliament held an inquiry into the incident even dragging prime minister david cameron in front of parliament for a right close rogering square in the boulders. we talked about it here. >> did the prime minister want to be kept in the dark or is he angry with his chief of staff? >> i'm waiting for a reply. >> he is not obviously smell a rat when he has one in his mitts
>> jon: england is awesome. [cheers and applause] [laughter] who is that young go getter? who does not appear to be five to eight time zones behind everybody else right now? that's the segment you saw if you were watching our show in america or one of 85 countries where the global edition is broadcast including such free speech havens as chad, somalia, saudi arabia, syria and gemmen. i'm -- yemen. i'm huge in yemen. [laughter] if you were actually in great britain here is what you saw of that segment. ♪ you didn't see it. they censored it. why? we were praising them.
are you not allowed to praise england in england? is it that a result of the 1683 eat it to false -- edict to false modesty is it because praise from an american makes you feel dirty. it turns out our show is censored in england because we aired footage of our parliament on a comedy program. this is true, it's illegal to use parliamentary footage in a comedic or satirical context. if you were a right honorable newscaster i could have shown the same footage come back on camera and so emily say, tonight we have no confirmation that the members of parliament are baby eating goat (bleep). [laughter] but we have not received or actually asked for any denials of it either. that is something the english audience would have been allowed to watch but a sincere offering
of admiration from a comedian is illegal. seems crazy. i've seen parliamentary footage used on satirical shows in britain before. >> the right honorable gentleman may be at home but he is the tiny wilted vegetable -- >> stephen: if they can show parliamentary footage in england why can't we in america -- what is that? those are puppets? [laughter] are you sure because i've seen british people and those figures -- those look actually, they look actually somewhat healthier than many of the -- all right. that's fine. [laughter] you know we bumped up against this before. as you know when william and kate were married at westminster abbey we were not able to use
that for satirical programs. but with the -- we were able to show a positive reenactment of the nuptials and consummation there after. [laughter] was hitler really drooling as an heir to the thrown was being vigorously conceived? that's a matter for historians to decide. but the footage we showed two weeks ago was from the house of commons, the peoples' house. i understand not being allowed to poke fun at england the cent's longest experiment such as english nobility. they are understandably and perhaps fatally thin skinned. having had their power diminished along with their ability to produce platelets.
but the house of commons is the most basic expression of british democracy! is that too powerful for a good natured kick to the clotted creams. perhaps it's the people you are protecting, perhaps the delicate sensibilities of your kind cannot stand a -- my point is you are probably just protecting them. but here is the thing, i have seen the (bleep) you show on channel 4. what you consider appropriate primetime family fare available is not non-stop suck and (bleep) fest of teenage shagging, gay orgies, live autopsy apbsz this lady. >> having opened up her heart to jillan i'm afraid it's laura's bowels next on the list. >> if you switch to fresh fruits, vegetables, seeds, nuts,
seaweeds you can produce a completely different poo, one that is aromatic. >> jon: by the way that is just your programming. forgive me for leaving out advertisements. >> might i interest you in pork sausage? i know you are thinking. you are thinking about all the things you could do with it, aren't you? >> jon: yes, i'm thinking about being raped by my breakfast. it's like you read my mind. [laughter] i mean for god sakes who is the arbiter of what gets to go on the air in your country? americas poking fun at parliamentary satire. i can't have that. new york city i wouldn't. -- no i won't! oooh. helllloooo, please -- anyway.
can alternative energy save us? no. a *eus. >> wind may finally do the world some good as a proposed wind farm in the florida everglades will dbren rate enough energy to power 35,000 homes. >> the land wind project is good for the environment. it's good for the economy and it's good for the energy consumer. >> could you say that a little bit more like a rote response given to you by corporate overlords? >> sugarland wind is good for the environment. it's good for the economy, and it's good for the energy consumer. >> it sounds ideal but of course, the tree hugging hippy conservations have a problem. >> the location is right smack in the middle of three largest
concentrations of ducks in south florida. these turbines will kill ducks and in the fall of winter and we get a tremendous migration of ducks. >> you are saying ducks migrate toll florida and then they'll die? >> yes. >> ducks will be coming to florida to die putting them in the same recarous position as -- precarious position as the manatee and the northern -- north american grandparents. >> he wants you to stop killing the birds, what do you have to say to him? >> isn't he a part of an organization that hunts ducks. >> the water foulers conservationists. >> isn't part of their charter to hunt ducks as well? >> i'm confused. what does your group do exactly? >> our mission is to make duck hunting in florida better for florida duck hunters.
>> i thought you want to save the ducks. >> we want to save the ducks so we can hunt the ducks. >> you want to save the ducks now so you can kill them later. >> we preserve the word harvest. >> oh. are you willing to admit that your wind farms will be harvesting thousands of ducks. >> that is not true. >> not harvesting but just like slaughter begun. >> based on a national average of what we're seeing across the united states is basically three birds perturb yien for -- per tur turbine are killed. >> is there a number that is satisfactory to you of how many ducks are killed. >> obviously nobody wants to see one duck killed by a whirling turbine. >> because you want to see it kweuld a shot -- killed with a
shotgun. >> that's right. >> you are like the serial killer. >> you are like the japanese dolphin hunter angry at the tuna net. >> that is possible because again the dolphin gets into the tuna net is wasted. >> the real victims are not dolphin siewsh sushi lovers but duck hunters. most are afraid to speak out. >> how will this project affect your lifestyle? >> it will be terrible. i can't kill a duck that is already dead. >> that does sound terrible. >> (bleep) you no good treacherous mexican. >> i'm actually indian. >> (bleep). [laughter] >> as the duck hunters habitat is slowly encroached upon by a more efficient duck killing
machine, one thing is clear: would you say in this instance the hunter has become the hunted? >> i would say that the hunter was not considered in this plan. hunters, not the hunted, because the hunter will not be hit to the turbines. >> i think if you say that it would bring a tear to people's eyes. the hunter has been hunted. >> semantically it's not true. >> if you want things to change say the hunter has become the hunted. >> great tv. i'm not going to say that. >> well, someone has to say it. deep in the heart of the florida everglades the hunter has become the hunted. [laughter] >> jon: thank you [cheers and applause]
>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is an actor whose new film is called "the change-up." >> i'm not mitch. >> what? >> i'm mitch. >> somehow we switched bodies. >> i'm dave. >> oh. >> we pissed in a magic fountain and next day it disappeared. >> and then we were looking for -- >> and when they find it we're going to switch back. >> because we were drinking. >> we were drinking. >> that sounds like a plan. can you get the twins. >> pumpkin. >> mitch, no, no, don't call me
pumpkin, okay. you promised me that you would -- >> welcome back to the show jason bateman. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jon: seek it in. soak it in. very nice. very nice. eye -- >> you make me feel so pretty. >> jon: and can i say something, you are pretty. don't let anybody tell you -- >> did we get that on the cameras. >> jon: you caught it. you can tivo it and freeze it. just know it came from here and here. just know that. [laughter] let me ask you this the switch, you and ryan reynolds, it seems like if you switch nothing changes. you are both very hand some men
with good personalities. you would switch with him and girls would still -- >> you are all around it. it's crap. the movie is garbage. [laughter] here is what i'm going to promise you. while it is a tired, some would say pleasantly familiar premise. >> jon: pleasantly familiar, thank you with very engaging actors and a lovely ingenue. >> and a 12-pack between us. our obligation is to please you post switch. we know they are going to pee in a magic fountain. you are saying entertain me after that. that's what we do. that's what we do. we do it the r rated version. the other films have been very good. like father like son, the slaughter vehicle thing you mentioned, lindsay lohan thing. when you switch bodies with somebody and you get into dodgy
situations and they are all under the capital r category. >> >> jon: here is what i think you are saying. these are two men switching. these are not boys switching. you used to like yatzhee and now you like -- (bleep) this is like oh, my god you are taking me andally. -- anally that's never happened before. >> you've seen the film. >> jon: i'm telling you. i like what you bring to the table. you do it effortlessly and it's what i respect and admire about you. this is a true story. i ran into you -- you think this is a charm and witt and intelligence he brings to a television show. >> it's real. >> jon: stop it. i ran into this man on the streets, streets of new york where you don't trust anyone. >> i was supplementing my income. >> jon: stop.
and he brought the same amount -- we did a segment on the street. i could have thrown to commercial twice. people stayed with it. >> this guy was on his way -- >> jon: i partied. he saw me -- >> i mentioned capital r rating. this guy -- >> jon: tell them what i was up to. >> the wife and kids were out of town. >> jon: that's right, baby. >> it was a saturday night. the sun was beautifully resting in the river. and this hellcat was on his way to not one slice but two slices of pizza. >> jon: tell them what one of them was. one was plain but one was -- >> mushroom! >> jon: mother (bleep) booya. ate them both! both! >> come on! >> jon: both same sitting.
that's what i did. it>> it was the highlight of my trip. right there at the tail end of my trip. >> jon: i enjoyed it. it is what it is. >> it is what it is. >> jon: we do a little q and a in the beginning of the show and a gentleman asked me if jason bateman would be on the show. i know you might get tired of this. he enjoys your work in arrested development. he wants to know if there's a movie coming out that would continue the narrative art, the characters, that type of thing. he would like to know if that is in the works. >> the movie, yes is in the works. however. -- [cheers and applause] we associated with the show feel like real tools when we're asked this question which we're asked often and we would love to answer it. but there's never a significant update. that doesn't stop the fringe media, present company
excluded -- >> thank you sir. >> saying there's no update to writing a headline bateman talks about arrested development. i hesitate to answer but i will say we will make this movie, the second they make the bosses deal his name is mitch. he's the genius. i hope they give him everything he is asking for because the man is the second coming. [cheers and applause] >> jon: i'll say this to you the changeup is in theaters on friday. you give that guy everything he wanted including a mushroom slice. throw it in for